Being Open

Sometimes being open is a good idea.  And I’m using open in the honest sense.  Being honest, being open about my feelings.  Being open to new ideas, being open to admitting things I don’t want to admit.  Pagans are supposed to be all kinds of open-minded and honesty is supposed to be the best policy.

Sometimes it works – at least for me.  I was finally honest with myself enough to admit, I hated one of the colleges I teach at.  I was open to my partner about my very real need to quit.  It took me agonizing over this decision.  Questioning and rationalizing – rather than just admitting, I didn’t want to work there.  So far, it hasn’t been a financial issue, and I feel so much better knowing that in 2 weeks, I don’t have to go back there.  And I feel confident enough, that I haven’t just torpedoed myself financially.

Sometimes it works. 

I took my new found confidence in being open and ran with it.  I decided to be open to an idea I’d been trying to avoid.  And here’s that pagan tie in – 

This is a significant issue in my personal life, something I have been struggling with for at least 5 years.  I’ve done all of the mundane things I could think of – I’ve got a works cited page that could put my thesis’s list of sources to shame.  I’ve talked, cried, argued, and ultimately just tried to pretend it was ok.   Of course, I meditated on, I’ve used every method of divination I know to consider it, I’ve prayed, I’ve lamented and cried about it in circle – I’ve cast spells, I’ve made mojo bags.  I’ve done it all, but I was only coming back to one solution.  Maybe there is some underlying communication fail, maybe I haven’t presented the issue clearly or correctly – and maybe, for the sake of honesty – I don’t care anymore.  I’m so over trying.  I’m over being the one who keeps having to bring it up. 

So I have a solution – or something like a solution.  And I agonize over bringing it up.  After all, it’d take an open-mind to consider it. 

Here’s the thing about open.  It doesn’t always go the way you want.  Maybe it “needed” to be brought into the open light; maybe it needed to be discussed.  Maybe.  I’m the one left unable to sleep.  I’m the one that feels like a selfish, inconsiderate, terrible person (oh and perhaps unreasonable and crazy too).  Now, I wait.  I wait for a response to my effort to be open, and I’m trying to be patient.  Trying to let him process what I’ve asked for.  After all, I’ve had months to think, to read, to divine, and to pray – he hasn’t.  But so far, being open sucks.  It’s not going to get me what I want – and I have to figure out what to do next.  See the thing about being open, once it’s done – you cannot go back.  But nothing can make the recipient of your openness be open with you.  Nothing about my openness, my honesty has to be reciprocated. 

My openness has led me to a solution to perhaps the most difficult problem in my adult life.  Is it the only solution? Probably not (but I’m out of ideas).  Is it an easy solution? Hell no, but it is all I have left.  Will I get openness in return?  I’m trying not to misread, to interpret, to assume – but it’s hard not to.  Right now, I have to wait – but patience has never been my virtue.